2004-12-01 // 8:02 p.m.

nope, you fucked up and missed out. im not home, so dont bother calling
unless your in SD, then yea, call. or if you wanna talk or somethin, thats cool too
~w0rd

okies
so nothing happened that night that i recall
monday sucked too. i went to the post office to get a passport, but they only had applications. then got fatkid from skoo, saw ppl from mesa that i used to kno *but not many :(* and then got dwiz from work, he got a shower... i got him again and took him to brandys, then met kiel at the mall
this is where life got interesting
so kiels talking, then him n his friends smoke, then we go to suncoast
while in suncoast, Christiana calls. sweetdeal. she goes to suncoast. i spot her, and wait to see if she notices me... but she doesnt. thats okies tho, i call i stand there holding my phone up, she answers, then looks around all "wtf?" like and sees me. :D
well i hadnt actually gotten the needed christmas shopping done, so i did. bought mommy a movie w/ denzelwashington in it, and got gran this little figurine of eeyore. then we go to olive garden
well, we took almost 2 1/2 hours to eat. we talked alot. smalltalk'ish stuff, but it was worth it. i caught the bill, cuz if i didnt id feel all bum-like... plus id date this girl if she'd ask me too :D so why not?
anyways, after dinner we talkd more... she has this boyfriend tho *w34k* so yeah. im not gonna try to break them up or anything, and besides, im leaving, so its not gonna do me any good. still somethin to keep in mind ;)

...
of course, my life isnt really that simple.
tuesday
i drive drive drive
it took forever... but while i was zoning out *i did alot more of that, most of the trip actually* i felt more n more anxious... scared even. and it built up. i didnt wanna go back, my chest was tighting,and the whole while im thinking "why am i scared? iv done this job, i kno these ppl.. wtf??" ... well, i call ppl. it doesnt get better, it gets worse
i call jill, and even tho she wasnt there, i found myself really really wishing she was...... the whole while im thinking, daydreaming
so when i do get ahold of her.. i break down.
fuckin w34k, i know. you may even had thought i was over it. nope.
well, surprizingly, she doesnt get all pissed off, she talks to me about it. she of course sounded completely neutral and phased by it, but still... i expected somethin like "oh not this shit again, im not going to talk ab out this *CLICK*"" ...... so yeah. ....
now, my brain is against me in all things, and t trying to explain this as "oh dude, she likes you! go for it!!" .... but no, practically, maybe shes a lil better a person than i expected. well, after the lameness we jus kinda talk till i get back on base...
yeah. got all w33py over ch1x0rz ... fuckin w34k. especially since its -jill- and im supposed to be over her.
i felt so shitty, i realized how this cycle has just repeated itself again... this is the part where all these girls i could be liking tell me im not a bad person.. so i start to believe it,then i start liking them... and one by one they figure out im not cool, im not sweet... im creepy and clingy and emotionally fragile and a big pain in the ass... then they all un-like me, i remember that im a horrible person, i start to believe it .... and ......
Bam~ ... how did jill manage to not-fall in this catagory? she liked me, i liked her, she liked me more, i liked her more, etc... it was perfect. WAS. i fucked it up. and now i live in this vicious self-destructive cycle. and it seems each time it repeats itself i become more and more fucked up in the head... and less vocal about it. goddamn i suck.

I fell better tho, like even better on the inside than i did before? i dont kno why. i dont ever claim to understand my insides.. or if i do, im lying.
i dunno
today i cleaned stuff
and then went to lunch/dinner with ppl from my division, it was good. jus hangin out n stuff... listening to conversation, gettin to kno ppl. saw Spotwood there, from the Nimitz, talked to her a bit... nothin big tho, shes off there too, at shore command. sweetdeal.
err
now im here
checkin emails, chattin
got overpaid... $1024 .. WHOA! except theyre gonna not-pay me now a bunch to get back at me. im gonna tell them trm, but ask to keep the money i have already, save them the trouble. heheheh ...
i obviously didnt -leave- today. we will tho. soon. sucks. i think ill get a day or two more to shop and waste time after work. :)
um.
i think thats it fer nows
-0ut

::Dismantle }{ Recycle::

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