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}{ I really hope no body reads this stuff anymore... this would be a crying shame ~! }{

2007-03-20 // 5:38 p.m.

Scary successive entries... end to a beginning or the beginning of my end?
This is for the popcorn chain, an ethereal idea complex designed solely by speculation. Or basically imagine popcorn on a string, like christmas in your brains. Each unpoped kernel an idea waiting to be explored... the more we put into it the bigger, puffyier tastier popcorn piece we get... when fouled, misinterpreted, etc its gets yellowed, browned, icky shrill ashness...

I am scared. I am in love. I am hurting, guilty... I had sex with a girl that wasnt Anna.. Shes gonna cry.. she might leave me, but as she said, she might not. Im torn, i want her to be happy, but at the same time i want other girls too... and i kinda want her to have other guys. she needs practice :P hate to say it, she doesnt -know- ... she has everything she needs to be fucking super awesome outstanding, she just needs training on how to use it... I think i got showed a thing or two too.. i dont want to admit it but it might qualify as 'best' my number not being very big enough to have 'best' mean much but still.. it does to me. otherwise i have very little concern for the girl past a friendship.

Cj and Laura say they are getting married. This is most likely my fault. All the crazy things I say drunk. I dont like it. Not one bit. Things I say are mine, I dont like being told I said stuff. It really upsets me.

I'm very accomodating... When im with someone I both conscious and unconsciously try to make them happy. This gets worse, better, and self-destructive when drunk. It loses its ability to focus, it'll will hurt for mistakes forgotten and over-shout someone just to tell them 'hi'. I tell Anna horrible things.. I told that girl some stupid shit too... I'm so mad. I might be more mad at myself for the things I said to her than for having sex with her. I kinda wanted too.. I heard things from Laura, good in a sense... had to see for myself

All my life I had to see for myself. I want to know it, not just what im told ... I make a million mistakes based on that, but I find greater truths too.

The things I want most to come out of this. Anna has girl-sex with the girl I did. Anna and I go swing a little, play the field, together. We learn so much intimately about each other that we can never go back to being alone.

Anna. As a person shes wonderful. sweet. smart. adorable. sexy. bodacious, gorgeous. P.H.A.T. *lol*... she has so many good qualities that it hurts, guilt, that im doing this to her. I want her to be happy. She doesnt want me to do such things and im a monster and do them anyways.

I drink. I really shouldn't. Alot. Family history, losing friends, finanaces, etc... but I do. Maybe I am an alcoholic. It's so much easier to drink myself to sleep than to fall asleep natural. No waking up, no nothing.. well maybe some throw up *lol* I hate throwing up... why risk it. I think sex is better drunk, thats what I told that girl ... what kind of ridiculous horrid shit is that?
God. I try to serve but I fall very easily. I feel like this is the direction im being pushed... Before, I gave myself up to God. Those drinking nights were weird, funny, and yeah... memories. The nights I dont.. they are way easier, but they always end badly... Always. I think what I just figured out is that I should stop drinking, or at least prepare internally for it. The first drunkie night in Sac I did, things went well.. second, things went poorly. Im not calling that girl again, till I have an actual reason.

But to Anna's not-benefit. She's turning 18 tomorrow. Take that anyway you need to. I'm afraid im her 'exit strategy' ... im whats getting her out of her house, like the Navy was my exit. Even if forced to go back, its way easier to do after that first successful "I dont need to come back ever" .... but then you can be forced or coerced into it... shh... anyways, I dont want to be used like that, even unintentionally. If Anna ever reads this, she will probably need that word bolded. What happens when shes independant and she realizes im garbage, when things go bad and she leaves... ill have nothing again.

I'm very insecure. Like a giant hairy ball of insecurity wrapped in a meat-jacket. I want her because i'm scared. I want to fuck around on her to feel good, big, able... none of those words were right... like, like I am a "can-do" not a "can-not" ... I can have sex with girls i dont know. I can have anyone i want, etc... and I want proof.. like that night in sac.
I need stability. I need the same things... such change, fear, shaky living... what if that girl had something? Now its Anna's too... how can I do that to someone *again* although that was more jess... cuz I didnt know she had fucked other people till after we had. That's why I have to tell her before we go again. She will say "No" after that.. not till I get tested... the first thing im gonna try to do is go back on it. im so awful. I might win.. I see pretty good odds. Then what if im wrong, we both have to deal with it??? I cant believe myself sometimes.. I had a sense of morality once. Read a much MUCH former entrie... then I think I took it back, blaming morals on Jill
Jill. This goes back. Oh, and I owe Anna the story of Me, Jennifer, and Jill. Jill was unstable wrapped in what I thought was an anchor.. I got thrown for a loop, but seeing that 'anchor' kept me... finally I broke, but flew so far off the handle I wasn't datable for years to come. My intuitions and ideas about girls were so fuckin far off cuz of her... they may only now be finally aligning properly (ok I never knew shit about girls, so shh)
I had to go pee. now im peeing like every 5 minutes. this sucks. and i feel ick from drinking the water and i dont want energy drink.

Conversation w/ CJ - basically i need to explain to Anna friends w/ benefits. I am not ready for a relationship. I do like you, and if you want to stop having sex then I value you more as a friend anyways... but If your okay with sex, and we may sex other people freely, then let it be so ~*
Ok it paraphrased but I think I hit all the essencial points. I told Anna -
:: Having you is more important than my desire to avoid a relationship.
Bad JonNyG. Bad.
Well she was accomodating so far... now, well.
Basically I want her, later. Now I want everything.
I need to make myself a plan, a solid statement that will explain that without hurting her..... too much.
I am sorry I misled you. That was not my intention. Everything I said is still true, but in another context.
I need cigarettes. No I dont.
I am stronger than nicotine. BooYah!
I Love You, I want you to be happy. I may not be able to do that. I don't want you to leave me, I want you to join me. This could be the best thing we share.
Now for the clincher... I need the final blow, the thing that turns cheating and crying and sadness into orgasisms later that night...
~ And I even put your pictures on my myspace
*LOL!!!* Im sorry it came to mind and I couldnt stop laughing... that was awful... lemme try again... *thinky meats activated* ....... . . . . . . . . . . . . .

.And it's for all these things and more that I'm just coming clean, Giving you the facts I turned up for you to decide how we continue ... together ...
That ending being trailed off... like your giving up everything you are... feel your shudder as your future becomes somebody elses....
shes gonna ask questions..
Will you cheat?
Do you love me?
Why now?
Why me?>
Why arent I good enough, why cant we go back, why cant this be easier???

Quick, short, solid and to-the-point answers... shes looking for fuel, something to hone in on and keep the dialogue going... if she gets it, she will talk you into deciding her decision. If you dont, she will choose, and she cant just say "oh well.." or anything

...I expect something else from Anna though.. crying, yes. Then just.. " .... .. .o.k. ... "

... Silence.

Thick, heavy... hot ... cold .. other senses light off, making up for missing sensation... touch her hand... look her in the eye... kiss... ... . . . .

... Did it work? Am I where I need to be?
... Baby, come out of the closet now.. theres someone I'd like you to meet.. Anna, this is .........

* I'm Smiling *
* Did I really put it all together *
* My Feet Hurt *

Sleep, till next time...... . . . . z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z.z....

::Dismantle }{ Recycle::

Another spring, 2012 - 2012-04-28
The first one to admit this loses... - 2010-02-16
new type of rant? huh? - 2008-01-04
I really hope no body reads this stuff anymore... this would be a crying shame ~! - 2007-03-20
...In years to come it might make sense; Sweetness, Did You Foresee This **? - 2007-03-10