2008-01-04 // 3:56 p.m.

No one ever posts.
Actually, the two of you that did since iv been gone so long had very depressing things to say.
So will I.

PS. If you happen to stumble across this in the near future and wonder wtf is going on, you havnt known me long enough. If you happen to find this sometime in the distant future, your being dumb - I do this all the time.

And que the rant:

It's starting all over again. Lindsey seems to be living in my perfect character defects.. like that 'senses fail' cover, only im the one on the burning side...

the backstory - i drank, moar, and got killed by a police dog. i now owe approx $50k. anna was gonna move in august, she not moving today. I am in AA... and more and more it seems like I "was" in AA

Of course, that could be the explaination. However, fuck the new guy.

I just got off the phone with Anna.. the more correct and to the point I become, the sooner she hangs up. There's a ring in my trunk for her, she will probably never see it. That alone makes me feel like bawling. Then there's the conversations I just finished. One to the girl who got a kiss within minutes of the ball-drop, and the other with a stripper. so when the myspace bulletin asked "think anyone is thinking of you" I smiled and almost typed "Three even."

Now, the breakdown. The virgin is well, virgin - and therefore alot of trouble for someone very in-experienced. she's also fucking nuts, point proven= because shes my age. I cannot concieve of what horrible things had to occur. and she's annoying. but as i mentioned in the blog, my willingness to compromise incresed in proportion to the temperature decrese.
liza is stripping. in fresno. and is still ugly. but the spark is still there. if i so felt, i could convince her to move back and be with me and etc etc... do i want though? the blog i read from a girl i liked long ago oddly makes me think not .. . . .

and Anna. the whole fucking situation pisses me off. she was supposed to be here in AUGUST. SIX FUCKING MONTHS LATER she lectures me on 'well if i was your g/f" !!!!STFU!!!! Move goddamn you!! We had this conversation in SEPTEMBER! YOU not me but YOU are the one unwilling to make this work. I told you "Name your price" aka "Anything you want" Isnt that what you fucking whores want to hear? isnt that the goddamn magic phrase that disney and barbie bred into your warped little fairytale minds to make you finally give in to an ounce of logic?
(Still on topic) Maybe you forgot something. Your getting older (aka UGLIER) daily. your tits are sagging, right now. your also getting fatter, even if that stupid number is going down. Yet you seem to think you can outpatience me???
Well, you can. And thats whats really pissing me off.
I'd like not to sleep alone tonight, nor tomorrow.
I want to kiss someone who's company I can enjoy.
I do not want to have to compromise.
I am selfish, self-centered, and very fearful.
I'm afraid of not getting somthing (someone) I want...

Solution?

Well, at this point im prolly supposed to go to a meeting and pick up a new guy and tell him how to make his life all better again. *lol btw* I'm not even sure that's a possibility... How is this ever supposed to get better? I am pre-programmed for self-destruction, drunk or sober. (in b4 an hero)
So how do I side-track the black spiral?
8 and 9 mayhap?
Hmm...

lets start from scratch here :::

1) im gonna fuck this up. my life in my hands in completely unmanagable. im sad right now because im not managing it
2) a power greater than me can restore me to sanity...
3)i need to make that decision, open that door iv slammed shut to the sunshine of the spirit
4) those three same people I have harmed, all in the same way
5)I think iv just done this simply by typing
6)so now i need to become entirely ready to revome this defect of my character
7)and pray, without pride and ego, that God removes it
8)my list is aforementioned, and I need to be willing to make some phone calls (2 of 3 are not nearby)
9)i will make those phonecalls, and a personal appearance
10) i should be continually on the lookout for this behaviour.. i havnt done this before sleeping often lately
11)i also havnt prayed/mediatated at all really recently.. nor have i asked for guidance on this yet
12) and to be of service, which i have not been. so my idea to call and not-go to the meeting tonite is hella dumb
HELLA DUMB

Thanks for listening... rant over

PS. Im not gold, so i cant make this private no more :( fuck.

::Dismantle }{ Recycle::

Another spring, 2012 - 2012-04-28
The first one to admit this loses... - 2010-02-16
new type of rant? huh? - 2008-01-04
I really hope no body reads this stuff anymore... this would be a crying shame ~! - 2007-03-20
...In years to come it might make sense; Sweetness, Did You Foresee This **? - 2007-03-10