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| }{ a talk wit jill ~ }{ |
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2004-05-26 // 8:42 p.m.
yea i talked with jill... scaryness the phone cut out, honest. the batterie hate me, or loves me, depending on how you wanna view this. well, i tryed to talk to her about our past relationship. No. thats a very "offlimits" topic to her, and she suggests i forget it ever happened. yeah.. i dont agree, it even kinda hurt to think about. her final attempt to forsake me or somethin? but i kinda got insight into me i told her about lauren, she didnt seem to happy, but it wasnt like she was mad or nothin? Apathy i suppose?? it got me thinking; shes ready to just bury everything, like it never happened... meanwhile im trying to dig as much of my past up as possible, not just her part, but all the parts... like when i went to the house in arizona... im always telling lauren im sorry and that i feel guilty in advance, because i dont wanna let it build up and hurt our relationship ... i want to be as honest with lauren as humanly possible... but with jill i did lie, and i did let it build up ... i couldnt take it.. thats what marked the begining of the end i just dont want to lose lauren. Seriously. so when i did up old stuff, trying to make the past right .... i kno it kinda hurting the present, but im doing it because i dont want to take the change of that type of thing happening again. its also way easyer to talk to lauren about stuff in person. when im with her i feel so happy, even on the insides. but when shes away, its easyer for me to be mad at her over stupid lil things and get myself into trouble by overthinking my life .... so yeah, im gonna call jill tommorrow, maybe, and see if she'll talk more, cuz the phone did cut her off in the middle of a rant, and i did wanna hear what she had to say... even if i was gonna feel shitty afterwards. so i couldnt ask the question i wanted to, in tho its the most frivolous *lol* ... the way she reacted startled me... she wasnt at all happy with that conversation, i hadnt heard her sound like that in a long time... why do i even let her still get to me ... ? and if you couldnt guess i feel awful i cant help it im not even sure why really .... *crazyness deja-vu**** anyways hopefully ill sleep it off -0ut
Another spring, 2012 - 2012-04-28
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