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2004-07-10 // 10:55 p.m.
even updating has become a chore i blame lauren, cuz i kno shes gonna read it n reply in hers and maybe im just now feeling the same way she felt so long ago. i need a break, but for an entirely different reason. she wont even say she likes me anymore. thats fuckin retarded, cuz then why doesnt she break up with me? cuz maybe i am kinda right, maybe all shes really wanted was an excuse-boyfriend, as in an excuse not to date other guys. why doesnt she just go back to amanda and call it a day? i dont like stress, and shes making alot of it and all over her damn dreams, which i have no control over? how is this my fault?? maybe i could hav been a lil more sensitive before.... but first of all -> thats not me. secondly, i didnt kno anything was wrong? she still smiled and laughed and posterd entries saying theres nothing i could do to upset her.... how was i supposed to kno? by some ultra-subtle chain of events ... no, there was a much more noticeable version of this story that i tried to believe, the one any random passerby would see if they chose to read our diarys... the one where she liked me n i liked her and everything was happy. and of course as soon as i started to believe it *~SHAZZAM!~* it dies. maybe i should just go find some fat ugly girl and make her like me... she'd be loyal for fear of losing me, and for the same reason she'd bend to my will. id never hav to deal with any shit from her, cuz if i did i cold threaten to leave her.... *sigh* im thinkin of giving up. maybe i just was never meant to get anything of what i want? maybe i was right all along, i never should hav survived past senior year, maybe im supposed to be dead and thats why nothin permanent can stay in my life? maybe this whole fucking thing is one big mistake? i could only hope
Another spring, 2012 - 2012-04-28
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