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| }{ dont fuckin play, not in the mood. duty. }{ |
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2004-05-20 // 2:18 p.m. okay, in retrospect, scroll down to the part after i talk to lauren today~ wow... i didnt know i had this much sway over lauren. i feel worse. but ill start from yesterday the computer lab died shortly after i left it, but i sat around watching people walk in n look, only to find nothing. a bizarre kind of enjoyment. i saw amber *lol* shes uglyer than i remembered ... um .. had a cool fantasy about lauren, almost fell asleep with it, but then realized i was in public. watched this DragonBall GT or something??? it was weird, but we went thru, like, 10 episodes, then right as they were about to kill the bad guys it was all "and next on dragonball gt..." then all the anime nerds packed up n left! WTF!! so now ill never know if Xi Sing Song or whateverthefuck his name was gets his ass whooped *lol* i did laundry, read InuYasha#7 called lauren, she wasnt there, but at the mall over the next hour n a half i tryd to get a hold of her... but i also got to thinking ***Yes, thinking is bad, especially boredom+thinking*** where is jill right now? is she happy? ... i dont want her to be. not without me. a very shitty deal indeed, because i wont even consider the possiblity or ditching lauren for her, or anyone... but still and then all those long-term promises i told jill, ill always love her n want to be with her forever, blah,blah,blah .... so then the scary thought that im -actually- getting over her came to mind... which was kinda not-possible beforehand, but now now i dont want her. i want lauren, or someone else, but not her. the thought hurts, but not in the good way, like when your pulling out a thorn or clipping a hangnail ... it hurts like trying to amputate your own arm... not good. and uncomfortable but nonetheless, i felt shitty about even letting these kinds of thoughts run thru my head. in retrospect, this is the least of things i had done. next lauren tells me she has work, it cut alot of time out of our being together this weekend. not cool at all. so i was all sorts of unhappy sleeping, i fell asleep fast tho *lol* escape to dreamland and while i was there, life got shitty'er see, i was having an 'adult' rated dream, when sudden i wake up... um ... busting this nut ~ not good, i felt horrible, but i made no effort to stop me either. while lauren is prolly more at fault than i am, this is the second time ever for this to occur. EVER. i feel bad only because i didnt try to stop me.... then we did basic first aid stuff today, not too big a deal, everyone around me seeming to be having a bad day tho and in the module, where i work, same deal and then the worst part of the past 24 hours ... Scott proceedes to tell me i have duty on sunday, so be in the module at 0600. SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!! the rage, it was overwhelming. i went dead inside, like i swallowed acid or something... done. im fuckin done. so now im having a talk with lauren, ASAP ... my life, as is, cannot accomodate this relationship, as is. one of the two *or both* needs change. in the meanwhile, im not happy. i dont honestly hate my life, but im very inclined to say in repeatedly grr now im here? i went to the frocking ceremony for E-4, and the Battle E ceremony, both having nothing to do with me. kinda depressing, but somethin to look forward too? im done with this entry *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* and then i got to talk to lauren. i didnt kno about her entrie where she decides to be less opened up; however, i heard the coldness in her voice. that alone.. im done, it doesnt matter how sad i get, i cant lose her. not possible, not like this. well, we talk, i get to thinking ... i mean, yesterday was kinda stressful, then my routine was all disrupted, and then my thinky smote me, so i can see why things happened like they did. i just saw something interesting ... i stole it from theturtle:: and that got me thinking, jills birthday is next weekend, i broke up with her earlier this month ... may isnt a good time for me, ya kno? well anyways, lauren is happy again, and even tho weve totally gotten screwed, shes willing to do her part in seeing me and im more tham willing to do myne. so its official, im driving to sacramento only to drive back the next day. w00t! and bizarrely, thru all thats happened, and smiling, shes that special.
Another spring, 2012 - 2012-04-28
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